As hard as it may be to imagine, every single person watching this video will experience loss at some point in their life. Maybe you already have, or perhaps you are looking for a resource to feel validated and understood. Perhaps you are tired of the same Islamic platitudes served to you when you try to open up about your loss. Muslims may say things like, “they are in a better place now.” Maybe Islam shattered your faith after your loss, and you feel like the pain inflicted on you was so great, there is no going back to Islam.
In this video, I am going to explore the strange and unhelpful rulings Islam has regarding loss and grief. I am going to show you that Islam does not understand the intensely personal and unique nature of the grieving process. Let’s get into it.
Inspiration for this video.
This video was inspired by my wife and the experiences she had dealing with loss in Islam. What follows is not just theory but the real experiences about how Islam makes it worse for Muslims who suffer tragedies.
Muhammad Says Your Loved Ones are Punished For Your Actions?
When someone dies, the truth is, none of us know how we are going to react to our loss. Whether death is expected or sudden, wailing is a form of emotional release, a way to respond to the sheer magnitude of pain of that loss. What does Islam say about this? Let’s take a look.
So you can see that this is very much a part of Islam. It’s actually comical that with a straight face he says the major companions all considered this authentic and Ayeshas like “nah bro”. This whole religion is a joke. But anyway
Ali bin Rabi’ah Al-Asadi said:
“A man died among the Ansar named Qarazah bin Ka’b, and he was being wailed over. So Al-Mughirah bin Shu’bah came and ascended the Minbar. He uttered thanks and praise to Allah and said: “As for the gravity of wailing in Islam, indeed I heard the Messenger of Allah saying: ‘The one who is wailed over is punished as long as he is being wailed over.'”
It was narrated that ‘Imran bin Husain said:
“The deceased is punished due to his family’s wailing for him.” A man said to him: “A man died in Khurasan and his family wailed for him here; will he be punished due to his family’s wailing?” He said: “The Messenger of Allah spoke the truth and you are a liar.”
In what reality does this make sense? Grief is an expression of the love that we have for the deceased. Whether it is crying, wailing, or getting on our knees and screaming, it is symbolic of the love we have for this person, the excruciating pain of having to live life without them.
What does Islam tell us? There is not only something wrong with you for wailing, but your loved one is going to be punished for feelings beyond your control. Why is grieving in Islam punitive? Wouldn’t a truly loving god understand the nature of humans, allowing them to feel whatever they need to feel? Instead, Islam uses the fear of punishment to suppress the expression of valid feelings.
Holding in grief can be damaging. Expressing grief is generally considered psychologically helpful. Suppressing grief can lead to long-term emotional and mental health issues, while expressing it in healthy ways allows individuals to process their emotions and begin healing. Holding in grief can lead to “complicated grief,” where the grieving process is prolonged and interferes with daily life. Expressing grief in the early stages helps to avoid this.Sharing grief with others can foster connection and provide emotional support, which is crucial for healing. Feeling understood and supported helps people feel less alone in their pain. Expressing grief is a part of the healing process. It allows individuals to come to terms with their loss and gradually adapt to a new reality without the person who passed away.
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Umar, from his father, that the Prophet said:
`The deceased is tormented in his grave because of being wailed over.` Al-Hajjaj said: `…because of the wailing over him.`
Why is Allah’s decision making swayed by the feelings of humans? For the sake of arguments sake, if the dead is righteous and wailed over, this so-called righteous servant is punished despite having lived a life dedicated to Allah and Mohammad. How is that fair to the dead given that they no longer have any control or influence on their surviving loved ones?
I want to tell you something: It is okay to be angry. Something unimaginable happened to you, and this is not about what Mohammad, Allah, or anyone in your community says to you about having feelings. You are allowed to feel what you need to feel, however that might happen. Some Muslims may try to compare Mohammad’s losses or the losses of the prophets to yours, thinking this comparison makes you feel better. Is pain a competition in Islam? Are we really being helped through the tales of Mohammad and prophets that most likely never existed?
There are other hadith to suggest that wailing is a sign of weakness or disbelief. For example…
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Two things are signs of disbelief on the part of those who indulge in them: Slandering one’s lineage and wailing over the dead.”
Wailing has been described in the hadith as something from the days of jahiliyyah, otherwise known as the time of ignorance. Again, we can see that Islam gets in the way of people being able to express their emotions. While grief is not always expressed in the same way from person to person, the natural expression of one’s emotions should not be suppressed because Mohammad simply did not like it.
Now, there are Islamic sources where Mohammad shed tears at the death of his own children. The problem with this is that any type of expression of sadness beyond the prescribed mourning period is frowned upon. How unhelpful and anxiety inducing must it be to realize that there’s a time limit on how you are allowed to feel. Islam treats grief as something to be fixed, something that needs to go away as quickly as possible. The reality is, that grief is something that needs to be tended to and acknowledged. You did not die, someone else did, and having your body react to the stimuli surrounding death is understandable.
In fact, avoiding and denying our feelings does not make them go away. This can lead to negative outcomes like depression, anxiety, and isolating ourselves from the people we thought would be there for us.
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
“Wailing over the dead is one of the affairs of the Days of Ignorance and if the woman who wails does not repent before she dies, she will be resurrected on the Day of Resurrection wearing a shirt of pitch (tar), over which she will wear a shirt of flaming fire.”
In Islam, wailing is often viewed as being displeased with the qadr of Allah. Again, instead of recognizing wailing as a natural, it is viewed as weakness, forcing people to feel conflicted about the way they process their loss. Just because someone is a Mulsim, does not mean that they are not upset by anything.
One of the signs that religious teachings may be harmful is when they seek to make you less human by suppressing very human emotions. Part of being human means going through the experiences of both negative and positive emotions, not avoiding pain.
Burying Our Loved Ones Quickly Rushes the Mourning Process
When someone dies in Islam, everything is meant to happen as quickly as possible from burial to grieving the deceased. For example, ideally, a Muslim needs to be buried as soon as they pass away, some citing a burial needing to happen within 24 hours. The idea here is that by not burying the deceased as quickly as possible, the mourning process might be prolonged. Another strange ruling is the mourning of the dead for only three days, with the exception of a wife mourning her husband for four months and 10 days. The husband, of course, has no mourning period at all.
Qur’an, Surah Al-Baqarah (2:234):
“And those of you who die and leave wives behind them, they (the wives) shall wait as regards their marriage for four months and ten days…”
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “It is not permissible for a woman who believes in Allah and the Last Day to mourn for anyone who dies for more than three days, except for her husband, for whom she should mourn for four months and ten days.”
(Sahih al-Bukhari)
Some Muslims have strange cultural beliefs about the deceased, one of which is that the speed at which a body is carried to the grave can indicate the righteousness of the person. This probably comes from the teaching to rush the burial. But how does that make sense?
Abu Huraira reported Allah’s Messenger as saying:
Hasten at a funeral, for if (the dead person) is good, you would (soon) bring him close to the good. And if it is otherwise, it is an evil of which you are ridding yourselves.
Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri:
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “When the funeral is ready (for its burial) and the people lift it on their shoulders, then if the deceased is a righteous person he says, ‘Take me ahead,’ and if he is not a righteous one then he says, ‘Woe to it (me)! Where are you taking it (me)?’ And his voice is audible to everything except human beings; and if they heard it they would fall down unconscious.”
The rushed burial has a bigger issue which is the lack of psychological closure from having a viewing. Since Muslims want to bury the deceased as soon as possible, this can often take away the ability for loved ones to spend time with the deceased and see them one last time before saying goodbye.
Outdated and Short-sighted advice from Islamic organizations
On Yaqeen’s website, there is an article posted about grief and loss. It’s embarrassing to say that they dropped the ball on what grief is supposed to look like. You see, Yaqeen tries to be clever and tie in the hardwork of modern day empirical research into the framework of 7th century Islam. They use the 1969 model of Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief, which was originally designed to help those with terminal illness come to terms with their grief.
What Yaqeen fails to understand is that moving through a series of stages does not mean that one’s grief is complete. For those that lose a loved one, grief often lasts a lifetime, ebbing and flowing depending on the significance of the loss.
They go on to describe the five stages, but nowhere in Islam is there such recognition of stages of loss. Islam not only has a timeline for grief, but it seeks to pathologize and shame the griever. Let’s take a look.
It was narrated that Abū Hurayrah said: “The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless…’”
This hadith in particular was meant to be used as an inspiration in the article, but is it really? To me, this comes across as extremely burdensome to the griever. Why does the believer have to carry the burden of saving face and appearing strong? Telling the griever to be strong in faith makes a lot of unnecessary assumptions about the level of iman in a time of crisis.
Conclusion
In summary, Islam’s handling of grief and loss falls short of recognizing the deeply personal and painful nature of mourning. The rush to bury the dead and the strict time limits on grieving force people to move on before they’re ready. The teachings about wailing—where loved ones are supposedly punished for someone else’s emotions—show a complete lack of empathy for the complexity of human grief. Islamic organizations try to blend modern psychology with religious doctrine, but they miss the mark by pushing outdated and emotionally stifling ideas. Grief doesn’t fit into neat timelines, nor does it need to be “fixed” as quickly as Islam suggests. If you’ve ever felt like these teachings left you unsupported or unheard during a time of loss, know that you’re not alone. Grief is messy, it’s painful, and it doesn’t need to be justified by any religion. It’s okay to feel what you need to feel—on your own terms.
In conclusion, Islam’s handling of grief and loss falls short of recognizing the deeply personal and painful nature of mourning. The rush to bury the dead and the strict time limits on grieving force people to move on before they’re ready. The teachings about wailing—where loved ones are supposedly punished for someone else’s emotions—show a complete lack of empathy for the complexity of human grief. Islamic organizations try to blend modern psychology with religious doctrine, but they miss the mark by pushing outdated and emotionally stifling ideas. Grief doesn’t fit into neat timelines, nor does it need to be “fixed” as quickly as Islam suggests. If you’ve ever felt like these teachings left you unsupported or unheard during a time of loss, know that you’re not alone. Grief is messy, it’s painful, and it doesn’t need to be justified by any religion. It’s okay to feel what you need to feel—on your own terms.